i feel like i should move my daily writings over to blogspot since everyone i know pretty much has one of those. i actually have a blog i created, just nothing posted. eh. maybe tomorrow.

so today flew by. i was grateful that ryan got a ride to work from ben so i wouldnt have to keep joshua crammed inside. we went on a baby shower invite search. garden ridge, walmart, party city. i did buy some from PC, but i think i'll return them because theyre rather bland and im contemplating making my own.
we had lunch at chic fil a and joshua played in the kids area for the first time. he had a blast! in order to leave i had to climb up to find him. in a couple more months that totally wont be possible. :)
we came home so he could nap, then we met lisa at barnes and noble. i indulged in a lemon raspberry bar (which im totally feeling quilty about now). i LOVE those things. oh, and not guilty about the calories, just the $2.25. haha.
after that lisa and i came back to the condo and watched a movie while joshua threw a fit... for the entire hour and a half.

he had no idea what to do with himself if i wasnt paying complete and total attention to him (which is why i never attempt anything besides laundry or loading the dishwasher when hes awake; i should have known a movie was out of the question). i try not to think about it usually, but every waking moment of every day is spent by taking care of him. i don't work outside of the home, but i seriously work my butt off inside of it. i dont think people understand how mentally draining it is. i never stop. is he asleep? is he waking up? is he thirsty? is he hungry? is he tired? does his diaper need to be changed? does he want me to read him a book? "joshua, don't touch that. play with this. no baby, thats not yours. don't put that in your mouth. come here. PLEASE come here. joshuaaaaaa." if he wants me to play with him, which is 99% of the time, he'll actually throw things at me to get my attention. he'll beg to have a book read to him (how can i say no?). he'll ask to go bye-bye about 17 times in 30 seconds. he'll flush the toilet just because. he'll throw his cup down when it's empty. don't get me wrong... he's an amazingly sweet child. he's learning to listen. he says please. it's just that they require SO MUCH as this age. its freaking exhausting!!! infants are a breeze, looking back.

on top of the day to day things (eat, sleep, drink, repeat), i'm raising another life. im bringing another human being into society. i'm being the arms of Jesus to this little one. everything i say, every tone i take with him, every disciplinary action i have to take is under the scrutiny of the expections ryan and i have for ourselves as parents. we believe in speaking blessings over him, always... addressing the behaviour and not attacking his identity as our son. respecting him as a person with his own mind, will, and emotions. calmly and efficiently handling every tear, every scream, every LONG day.

its more than just having a healthy, "happy" child. it's loving him into the man he will one day be. and that means even when im on my last straw. even when im completely exhausted and can't take a nap because he's awake. even when i'd give anything to have the house to myself to just listen to music and clean (still so theraputic for me). even when i didn't sleep the night before. even when ryan and i need alone time. even when i'd rather crawl up with a book or take a drive or do SOMETHING for myself, instead of searching for another sippy cup. even when im sick and would give anything to spend the day in bed. it simply isnt possible.

*sigh*

but at the end of the day every second was worth it. he gives meaning to my life. the greatest meaning of all, i think. i want to do it "right". i think i am. i hope i am. i love him with every fiber of my being. i just need strength. renewed strength. :)

sometimes i still feel this way... that expression of uncertainty, confusion, "how do i do this??"



but id do it over and over and over again. <3